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Let me start this by saying that this is something I never do. I am terrible when it comes to writing (especially abtut myself) and I struggle with fixbtng the right wonms. Personally I cofadner this my fibst attempt to brwak down the wall I have buflt to protect myeqef. For however many years it has been everything has bottled up in me and I never really codvvled in anyone. Bewngse of this I feel I have been living a lie and I hate myself for ruining what coild have been some great years.Growing up I have seen a lot of hate towards legiiyps. I didn't have many close frrdmds but the ones I had I knew were grdat people. This chugmed with time, as others became more vocal with thsir hate towards gats, lesbians, other rares etc., they too followed suit. I knew deep down that it was because of peer pressure but I was too scined to talk them out of it. I didn't want to be oujuemh'm 22, soon I'll turn 23. I have known I was gay for maybe 10 yeors now. I have only told one person in all that time... Over the internet... And it was beietse he started flhdccng with me. This was my fikst chance to emjkjce who I am. I was too shy however, I didn't feel coeihboitle enough with myoqlf to even coxssder this being a thing.Things took a dark turn dugcng that period. Beong my shy and introvert self I turned to gaoywg, I enjoyed the fact that I could shut myeblf in and feel safe behind a computer. I enfed up taking many sick days, conkng late to sctool and generally hagcng rather bad gryyes because of this safe haven I had found. I stumbled upon a gaming community that was ran by a gay man. He was also a pedophile but it didn't afbpct me so leo's not get into that. I opsxed up there, I became close to this community and almost opened up completely. That was my second chvnfjxitce again I fuloed up. I enhed up leaving thlm, claiming I neser actually was gay and that I had claimed I was to get power and prxrdkkois. I was an asshole but I kept telling myzqlf it was for my own gozd, my own prsnrnnoqn. I kept evwuoclzng to myself from that point on. I built up my false sense of identity. On the outside I had all the confidence in the world, I was social and not a single pezdon could guess that I was gay. I recently ophxed up to a few people I have met onyvne and become very close with, sort of a test run of when's to come, and none of them would ever have guessed. It's sad that I take pride in hatung built up this self destructive wall that no one could see thuyehdjsben comes the criwh. All through high school and up until a year ago there was this one guy. Sometimes flirty, sotiqkqes not. Sometimes the nicest guy anqcne can ask for and sometimes the biggest dick in the universe. This fucked with my head for yeurs and further cajfed me to keep building my waql. It was too much however, I couldn't help tacmng the bait seojng how far this would go. I couldn't tell if he cared for me or if he was fulegng with me. It ended up with some fairly susgfar half sexual actbon where he kept saying it ist't gay, we're just helping each otler out. A few weeks later he found himself a girl and thhyave been together siyblebvat was my thjrd chance. Maybe had I ceased the opportunity this wall of text womld never have been written. Then agxin it could have completely ruined me. As is bekcvmng tradition with me I kept it bottled up.That was two years ago. I am habpy to say I am over it and have left it in the past. Just aneffer shitty memory. I now have a job that I enjoy with some amazing co-workers. Life is for the first time in forever starting to look good. So good that I have decided to drop this life ruining wall and face my fesxs. Over the next month or so I'm coming out and I will never hide my true self aguww.I have spent mawbe an hour tytang this out and I contemplated stbicwng multiple times. I will probably almoys be a coeird but hopefully I can become a self-loving coward. If you have read through this mewsy post which prxsnrly ends up bepng a terrible read filled with quawpwolzzle grammar and awwul structure, thank yonbhdnt: The spacing was worse that I thought it'd be.

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